You can feel the air change, a settling of the space, even more so in the last few months. Perhaps the cremation of Mipham Rinpoche moved some things around, or Karmapa’s near constant presence since January. Or maybe it’s me. When I think about the first time I was here, 13 years ago, I was a torn and tattered being. Fresh from leaving America, confused and battle worn, I had no idea what to do with my life. Like all things I did back then, I did them with fervent intensity, totally missing the point in the process. I used to do prostrations so hard my forehead would bruise. I studied Tibetan thinking I would be a translator, only to find I have little language skills and no patience. It was then I got the idea to buy a camera, at that time only for making YouTube videos of me playing guitar. I had no idea I was being led, manhandled and pushed into something much bigger, I was so blind I couldn’t find my own feet looking down. Shamar Rinpoche, Jigme Rinpoche, and of course Karmapa had their hooks in me. If only I could walk through the door they placed before me.
Fast forward to today I still have no patience, and I do most things with intensity beyond reasonable. I try my best to make each day beneficial to others. I try and think outside myself, letting the world, and our glorious masters, guide me in all the things that matter. I come when called. I leave when I’m let go. I fill my day chasing Lamas around, hoping my camera might capture some truth, and let the rest fall off my back. I try. And in doing so I think I have understood the point, taking it all in. I’m still me, but forever changed. This place has transformed me, my years here have been some of the best of my life. That gate is a portal to goodness. Once you walk in, you may never be the same again. In my heart, I know that it saved my life.
