It isn’t for superstitious or reasons of luck, it is because he is always in my heart and this photo - the iconic portrait with the red hat has a way of calming my mind when I look at it, generating some kind of connection and energy within myself that I am oftentimes in need of, especially in the insanity and mayhem of constant travel.
I am not a religious person - deeply spiritual perhaps, influenced heavily by passion and the emotions that surround me - but I consider myself a wanderer and a seeker of experience, nothing more. My life has been an interesting one, one part deeply troubled past mixed with a helping of igniting light soaked future, I have been on the up and up less times than on the downward slide, and this has shaped my world whether I want it to or not. Now, I consider myself at the starting point of something beautiful, where my life choices have finally begun to turn and I am beginning to see true change in the deepest parts of myself. My heart has been greatly altered in the past two years, my abilities to see what I want and who I really am are just now beginning to come into focus. I have never been afraid to be truly honest with others, belting out my deepest feelings and innermosts with ease - though being truly honest with myself is a lifelong journey we all as human beings must learn and bear alone. I am oftentimes told that I am somehow courageous for sharing how I feel so publicly, for me this is easier than not, and it is just not true. Letting people into my thoughts and life has been my salvation and redemption, my saving grace, and if I had not done so I would perhaps not be here today. The true gift has been from you all, letting me share to save my life, prodding me on with support and encouragement, I have with your help, found my voice and path beyond any dreams I ever had for myself.
These past two months have been a dream. Trodding the earth, going where the wind and the events take me, never saying no to anything that came my way. From the month in Kathmandu running tin, food, medicine and supplies up the mountain I have found more inspiration than could be described, in words or a song. From KIBI and the Parinirvana ceremonies I felt once more the intense community and sangha blessings of our lineage as we all celebrated Rinpoche’s amazing life together. In the heat of Delhi the bond of practice and Karmapa’s leadership was palpable and solidly felt by all. I had once believed that the energy we all carried with us from the cremation last year would be a once in a lifetime thing - but this has simply not been so. We have remained united and powerful, strength and love were all around me for the entirety of the event, reminding me once again of Rinpoche’s deep and continued presence. From there I spent one month in India, Kalimpong to Takdah, then to Darjeeling and finally a roller coaster car ride back to Kathmandu that will bring me memories of laughter and friendship I will never forget. Those I have met along the way, and those whom I can now happily say I know better than before have touched my heart deeply. They say a rolling stone gathers no moss - but in my case I feel like I have just rolled and rolled, absorbing all and everything, and the memories and people I have met along the way, all that we have been through, the good and the bad, has contributed so much to my life, and made me more whole as a person. I would be nothing without those that share the way with me.
Along with the photo - I wanted to carry Rinpoche with me - more physically than just in my heart - and to do this I decided to put his relics I was given and a few special items in a Gau dedicated just to him. I didn’t want something prefab or made in bulk; I wanted something unique, something less lavish, fancy or overpriced and not some shiny polished looking piece of jewelry like what you’d find in every shop window. Something that I would feel comfortable wearing with me every day, and not some ostentatious jewel encrusted thing. Something that would be a physical connection to him, something I could hold if I needed a reminder, to bring me back to earth, for a moment of grace in the turmoil, something like Rinpoche - earthy and real, dark and mysterious. The object wouldn’t be of such importance, it would be the story behind its creation that would interest me for years to come. Amidst my wanderings in Bouddha I found a wonderfully kind man, a metalworker named Ramesh who agreed to make this unique and special object for me. He even let me watch as he crafted it from scratch, from the fire he poured the mold, shaping it before my eyes. I drew him what I wanted engraved on its surface, and from my own design he skillfully etched it beautifully on the metal surface before handing it over to me - this object of devotion, this tribute to Rinpoche to wear around my neck. It is just an object, a thing, a token, but somehow it makes me happy to carry a little bit of Rinpoche with me, next to my heart, in a deeply worn and scorched metal housing that seems to fit me much more so than I even expected. It has flaws, it is imperfect and scratched, it is brand new but feels like it has already been around the world a few times, a simple token that I can carry with me always, perfect in its simplicity and barren raw details.
For this content but weary man, beaten down and exhausted from weeks of non stop work and travel, I can honestly say that these past weeks have been spent to their maximum potential. My life - with all its possibilities and hardships, experiences and stories, memories and adventures, trials and tribulations - it is only now really beginning. My devotion to my work, my ever evolving and changing life and schedule have all come as gifts in the form of excuses to stretch myself mentally and physically, pushing both my mind and heart. To those who read this - my never ending gratitude for your support, your friendship, your words of encouragement, advice, help, and for helping me to understand what it takes to keep on moving forward, what it takes to speak freely about how I feel, to share in order to free your heart and maybe save your life, and to never look back on a life you thought once was lost with regret. My devotion to Rinpoche is something I never questioned, never considered, he was bigger than life and rightfully so my heart simply followed him. I am just a simple man, I cannot speak for anyone but myself, but to me he was the greatest teacher I have ever known. From the fire I was given an object of devotion, but my heart has and always will be devoted unquestionably, undeniably, and unbearably so, to Rinpoche.
