It has nothing to do with where you are or what you are doing, no matter what incredible energy and miracles surround you, the laughter and shining lights that dance in the night skies, the screams of joy and childlike wonder on a midnight swim in the lake, the golden sun meeting the deepest blue skies overhead with clouds that look as if they were made from creamy velvet and gold, it is buried deep inside and seems to come without reason.
Mind you that heaviness does not dictate negativity - quite the contrary, for my heart today is not burdened with fear or sadness, regret or disappointment, but with an unexplainable feeling of weight that I cannot put my finger on. It has lingered all day, even with all the passing smiles and greetings, warm handshakes and fist bumps, head nods and hugs it will not leave me. The always increasing number of hot and happy souls that continue to arrive steadily as the day wears on, dancing in the aisles at lunch and working nonstop in the kitchen, even the “trash guys” parading around shirtless in the back of a truck collecting bottles and garbage to keep the center clean - it still stays with me. Perhaps it is the accumulation of days, weeks, and months on the road with constant motion and lack of structure. Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that today, in the presence of Karmapa Trinley Thaye Dorje and Lama Ole we have once again come together to wish for the swift rebirth of Shamar Rinpoche. Seeing his photo hanging on the wall reminds us that he is no longer with us and that for the moment we have to brave this insane world without him. But this is nothing new - well over a year has now passed, and yet today - the feeling remains. Perhaps it is all in my head, a self fulfilling prophecy, but it doesn’t matter - because things continue on, and the day we had today despite my own personal feelings was again, another record breaker. Today was the first time that the Samantabhadra prayers were ever performed in full, in Tibetan, on this side of the world, sung joyously in a grand chorus of over 8000 voices. The melody echoed across the lake and up the mountains on the other side, the tent full of souls eager and ready to spend their day once again under the burning sun together.
The beauty of this place and this time we are spending together is so precious - even with the unknown and mysterious clouding my mind this fact is so clear to me at all times. There isn’t much time to spend wondering and pondering; trudging up the hill again, back down again, braving the lines and bustle, all spent in the glorious company of so many who are obviously having their own tribulations and difficulties as well. Perhaps this is the real gift - to be able to share this space with so many who are all coming together to share in the burdens and joys of real life. Not running away, spending away their hearts and dreams, they are in search of truth and dharma to the farthest edges of the earth, willing to bare it all as long as they have the support of their friends and teachers. Perhaps even the prayers for the swift rebirth are a sign that our Sangha has never been so united, in a cause or in normalcy, the crowds that fill the Europe Center today come from not one group but from so many. What may have been impossible just a few years ago is now a reality - directly in front of my eyes and in all directions, the sound of their voices and the feeling of their prayers is incredibly powerful. Karmapa’s presence is a gift, we are so lucky to have him here, to teach and lead, to inspire and welcome all under the banner of Dharma. Standing at his side, Lama Ole Nydahl, the purveyor of this grand and wonderful establishment shares the stage, praying alongside, devotion and deep concentration on his face. Perhaps this heaviness that I feel is just like the peeling of an onion, removing an outer layer that was once normal and comfortable, revealing the raw inside that will now become the norm, growing and coming into its own. Perhaps as I talk about it, as I share the weight will begin to lift, begin to lighten, my load that I am bearing does not need to be carried alone. Perhaps with the support of my Dharma family I will continue to grow, to share the weight, to continue to search and explore, to feel as though I am now a part of this great family, this tribe, this wild collection of people with whom I have so much respect and admiration. Those who have shown me so much in so little time have had a profound and deep effect on me, these past days have been some of the most powerful and intense I have had to date. I am so grateful for this opportunity, this gift, this peeling back of layers that will expose more of my true self. I am so grateful that we are all here together to wish the swift return of Rinpoche, for it was he who gave me the key and unlocked the door to this life that I now call my own. I am so grateful for this environment full of life and color, laughter and joy, and to the people who make it so.
United we will make prayers, sung at the top of our lungs, the King of aspirations prayers, to bring back Shamar Rinpoche into this world, and to have him grace our lives once more. However his gifts continue to be so present, shown clearly here in the vast coming together of this mighty group, gathered here in the summer heat, one completely outrageous group made up of the most unbelievable people I have ever had the chance to meet. United we come together, united we make prayers - united we will come together to bring back the Dharma king that united us all.
Mind you that heaviness does not dictate negativity - quite the contrary, for my heart today is not burdened with fear or sadness, regret or disappointment, but with an unexplainable feeling of weight that I cannot put my finger on. It has lingered all day, even with all the passing smiles and greetings, warm handshakes and fist bumps, head nods and hugs it will not leave me. The always increasing number of hot and happy souls that continue to arrive steadily as the day wears on, dancing in the aisles at lunch and working nonstop in the kitchen, even the “trash guys” parading around shirtless in the back of a truck collecting bottles and garbage to keep the center clean - it still stays with me. Perhaps it is the accumulation of days, weeks, and months on the road with constant motion and lack of structure. Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that today, in the presence of Karmapa Trinley Thaye Dorje and Lama Ole we have once again come together to wish for the swift rebirth of Shamar Rinpoche. Seeing his photo hanging on the wall reminds us that he is no longer with us and that for the moment we have to brave this insane world without him. But this is nothing new - well over a year has now passed, and yet today - the feeling remains. Perhaps it is all in my head, a self fulfilling prophecy, but it doesn’t matter - because things continue on, and the day we had today despite my own personal feelings was again, another record breaker. Today was the first time that the Samantabhadra prayers were ever performed in full, in Tibetan, on this side of the world, sung joyously in a grand chorus of over 8000 voices. The melody echoed across the lake and up the mountains on the other side, the tent full of souls eager and ready to spend their day once again under the burning sun together.
The beauty of this place and this time we are spending together is so precious - even with the unknown and mysterious clouding my mind this fact is so clear to me at all times. There isn’t much time to spend wondering and pondering; trudging up the hill again, back down again, braving the lines and bustle, all spent in the glorious company of so many who are obviously having their own tribulations and difficulties as well. Perhaps this is the real gift - to be able to share this space with so many who are all coming together to share in the burdens and joys of real life. Not running away, spending away their hearts and dreams, they are in search of truth and dharma to the farthest edges of the earth, willing to bare it all as long as they have the support of their friends and teachers. Perhaps even the prayers for the swift rebirth are a sign that our Sangha has never been so united, in a cause or in normalcy, the crowds that fill the Europe Center today come from not one group but from so many. What may have been impossible just a few years ago is now a reality - directly in front of my eyes and in all directions, the sound of their voices and the feeling of their prayers is incredibly powerful. Karmapa’s presence is a gift, we are so lucky to have him here, to teach and lead, to inspire and welcome all under the banner of Dharma. Standing at his side, Lama Ole Nydahl, the purveyor of this grand and wonderful establishment shares the stage, praying alongside, devotion and deep concentration on his face. Perhaps this heaviness that I feel is just like the peeling of an onion, removing an outer layer that was once normal and comfortable, revealing the raw inside that will now become the norm, growing and coming into its own. Perhaps as I talk about it, as I share the weight will begin to lift, begin to lighten, my load that I am bearing does not need to be carried alone. Perhaps with the support of my Dharma family I will continue to grow, to share the weight, to continue to search and explore, to feel as though I am now a part of this great family, this tribe, this wild collection of people with whom I have so much respect and admiration. Those who have shown me so much in so little time have had a profound and deep effect on me, these past days have been some of the most powerful and intense I have had to date. I am so grateful for this opportunity, this gift, this peeling back of layers that will expose more of my true self. I am so grateful that we are all here together to wish the swift return of Rinpoche, for it was he who gave me the key and unlocked the door to this life that I now call my own. I am so grateful for this environment full of life and color, laughter and joy, and to the people who make it so.
United we will make prayers, sung at the top of our lungs, the King of aspirations prayers, to bring back Shamar Rinpoche into this world, and to have him grace our lives once more. However his gifts continue to be so present, shown clearly here in the vast coming together of this mighty group, gathered here in the summer heat, one completely outrageous group made up of the most unbelievable people I have ever had the chance to meet. United we come together, united we make prayers - united we will come together to bring back the Dharma king that united us all.
