99% of my time with H.H. Karmapa is just that; I watch and wait, surveying what is happening, trying to figure out when to move, or not, what is important, or not. Watch and wait, wait and watch. Steadfast effort not to be seen, not to interfere until the last possible moment, with a planned escape, only to be gone again like the wind. Sometimes I get lucky, and I’m in the right place at the right time, oftentimes not. Sometimes I bolt across the room only to find the moment has duly passed, and I’m squirming in unwelcome limelight, scurrying back to cover, tail between my legs, cheeks rosy. I really don’t enjoy being seen this way. I wish I could be invisible for these moments. I struggle with this all the time, it weighs on me. Sometimes there is an obvious history making moment, I see it beforehand, and go for it unabated. Many times the best photos are ones that take me by surprise, a random sliver of time, or a lack of awareness turned art. So I remain vigilant, I watch and wait for that moment to come, planned or surprise, or otherwise.
This past week, we were treated to teachings with Karmapa every single day, amazing indeed. He focused on one recurring theme over and over, he called it “Watching”. Originally it was an explanation for Chenrezig, one he’s used before, where Chenrezig is watching all sentient beings, like a CCTV. That endless level of compassion, seeing every one of us at all times, heart open, wishes and prayers, love and tenderness to all, always. I like this very much, something I’ve never heard another teacher say. The all pervading watcher, his loving gaze penetrating all sentient hearts. But this week, Karmapa broke it down even further, telling us that we also can “just watch” with compassion too. Watch the world, watch the situation, without interfering or changing what you see with your own ideas or concepts. Noticing inside of us, outside of us, what we like, what we don’t like. Wishing someone or something could be a little less this, or more that. If only I could change this, it drives me crazy, makes me mad, makes me jealous etc etc…. And then coming back to watching. Realizing that we don’t have to inject ourselves into everything, instead sitting back, relaxed, compassionate and joyful. Having compassion. For ourselves. For those that we like, or not, for the things that drive us crazy, or not. The idea is very simple, just let things be. Like coming back to the breath, just watch. Like Chenrezig.
I began to see this enormous correlation between my work -how I attempt to do my work anyway- and my mind’s struggle in doing so. I can watch well, I’ve had a lot of practice, but I’m rarely compassionate to myself about it. I also like to see what I’m going for before I make my move, but I can overextend or create situations that would otherwise be devoid of stress, for myself and others. I can do my job well, but how I relate to it emotionally, could certainly use some work. And so, in a spellbinding moment it hit me; this was an incredibly powerful teaching for me. Direct to my heart. I need to watch myself, from a distance, with compassion, and show myself love. I need to be kind to myself about what I do, how hard I try, and especially when I mess up. I need to try less in making everything “work out” how I planned, picking my moments with more love to myself, regardless of the outcome, and rejoicing in what I get regardless. I said it myself, the best photos are the ones you don’t plan, so I can let go even more there. If I push for something planned, I usually end up instead missing something while racked in bated anticipation. So I need to go back to watching, which I do well. But watching with love, letting myself be seen, with love, catching my moments (with love and understanding) and slipping quietly back to the shadows. Watching without imposing myself; on the scene, or on myself. Not trying to change myself, with love. This moment was heart melting to me, I was touched so deeply. It seems so simple when Karmapa explains it, but ever so much more complex putting it into practice. I will try my best, and I’ll be kind to myself when I don’t get it “right” the first time. Or ever. Coming back to the breath. Coming back to love.
I am The Watcher.
