I was a flailing drug addict, an alcoholic, and an emotion mess the size of Texas. While I was born in a Buddhist family, grew up deep in the Mandala so to speak, I nevertheless found a way to almost kill myself with my unbearable self-inflicted pain and misery. Dharma was in my heart, but my heart was hidden deep inside, ignored at all costs for fear of actually feeling something. So, I was sent to Le Bost, Karmapa’s retreat center in southern France, to clean up my act and see if my life was worth saving. This was to be my first true encounter with what now surrounds my life in every moment; this incredible Dharma family. The contrast was like nothing I had ever experienced before -like landing on the moon perhaps- everyone was so happy and genuinely peaceful, gone was the deeply ingrained feelings of insatiable need and loss that filled my daily life up until that point. I was frightened, overwhelmed, and perhaps a little excited too - I think deep down I already knew this was going to change my life.
Fast forward 20 years and I am here again - my previous life is unrecognizable. I now have the honor to be Karmapa’s photographer, his documentarian, and all the rest that comes along for the ride. A life full of Dharma, hard work and devotion that sends me to incredible places, and to bear witness to incredible things. If you had told me 20 years ago that I would be doing this now I would have laughed myself silly, what a thought. This activity is unlike anything I’ve ever done, and I know in my heart that my first visit here paved the way for all of this. I’m sober 12 years now, married with a two year old son, and sometimes I have to pinch myself to make sure I am not dreaming. Someone like me, depraved and mentally sick most of my adult life, was never supposed to have this kind of life. So I take it one day at a time, and remind myself constantly of how lucky I am to be alive. This place is as dear to me now as it ever was, and to be back reminds me of how deeply its essence is buried within me, and how it saved my life. I hope that you all get a chance to come here, to see and experience it for yourselves, it is magic.
Our visit here was private, intended to give Karmapa some time off to do whatever it is he likes to do. No public program, no events. He had a few audiences with bigger groups like the monastic Sangha, a lovely afternoon session spent with the residents, and one evening he joined the daily practice of Chenrezig to the delight of everyone. Otherwise he was left alone, which I felt was simply wonderful. I once saw him Face-Timing on his balcony at sunset, or talking a walk in the rain with Gendun Rinchen. I could smell his cooking in the Gompa below his apartment, and was reminded of how this was also his home for many years. He and Gendun Rinchen spent quite some time looking at the incredible collection of Thangkas, statues and art that lives here. And one evening we walked down to the Chocolaterie by the lake where Karmapa asked to have one scoop of every flavor of ice cream they had. These types of moments are really special, and I feel very honored to be a fly on the wall, and being able to share them with all of you.
Now we’re off to Karma Guen in Spain, so stay tuned for the last stop on this amazing tour. For now, I bid a fond farewell to my second home, a place that saved my life, and gifted me a second chance for peace.
