These past weeks have been a roller coaster of emotion; accepting Rinpoche is gone, denying the whole thing, screaming at the sky, acceptance, and eventually falling to pieces on the floor.
Rinpoche was a daily guest in my mind, a stalwart figure that pervaded through my thoughts as often as the wind blows by, and twice as gently. When I heard about his passing I started to put together a collection of my favorite photos I took of him over the years. As I looked deeper into my archive I found more memories, more stories, more events and travels with him, far surpassing what I remembered initially. Rinpoche had been such an integral part of my life, always there, always turning his wheel, always smiling. While my main focus the last 12 years has been His Holiness, Lama Rinpoche was always there, injected into my being. It is a great testament of his genuineness how he carved his way into my heart, and my life, never wanting the spotlight or grabbing attention. A humble monk, a great teacher, a lineage holder unlike any other.
When His Holiness first entered the shrine room he went straight to the Kudung. I remember the same when Shamar Rinpoche passed away, Karmapa’s gaze and energy were so intense, his love and longing for his teacher cutting me to the core. This was very similar, the loss, the respect. I could feel his unfettered devotion as he lit the candle’s flame, gently placing a Khatak on the Kudung’s altar. He lit incense, did kora and prayers, eventually sitting down to meditate - it was like time had stopped and the only thing I could hear was my own heart beat. Total silence but for the slight shuffling of his robe, even his breathing and soft mantras cut through the air. Everyone left the room. Standing outside I could feel Karmapa’s unbelievable devotion radiating off the walls, Lama Rinpoche was his spiritual Grandfather he often said. He stayed in for quite some time, the blinds drawn, I could only stand facing outwards, staring into the night sky. I wondered. What could a being such as Karmapa even be doing? How could I possibly comprehend it anyway? The way he sees loss must be far and away different from what I can understand.
Perhaps he was simply saying his final goodbye, it doesn’t matter. Somehow it made me feel whole again. Standing there, leaning on the temple walls I felt a faint sense of relief, I know the end is coming, but now that He is here, I have nothing else to fear. The only thing left is the flames and smoke to come.
