For others he was always smiling, encouraging, joyful - but for me it was always the stone cold face of vajra discipline glaring back at me.
I remember he always called me “Tattoo”, and not in a nice way. He always teased me about it, and every time I thought my hazing period might be over, he would come at me again. My tattoos have always been deeply important to me, they were never about being seen, or how they looked to others. They are a testament to where I have been, who I am, and what I’ve been through. They are my reminders. They are my inspiration to be better. They are very personal signs of devotion that I can never remove, and for this they are my most treasured possessions. Rinpoche wasn’t aware of how I felt, I was too afraid of him to be that open and honest. He made fun of them in a public lecture once, asking how I could possibly sleep with a giant Chenrezig tattooed on my back. One of the last times I saw him in the USA, he made me cry. I had come into the meeting thinking that I would finally tell him how I felt about my artwork and how much it meant to me, but again I failed. Fast forward a few years to the second to last time I ever saw him. I had finally had enough, and when he began to tease me, I firmly told him to stop. I expressed my true feelings, with nothing held back, finally taking ownership of my decisions and standing firm in my beliefs of my own artistic feelings, and my self worth. He looked at me, his face softened, he gave me an enormous smile and said softly, “I have always loved your tattoos.”
Rinpoche was responsible for most, if not all of my adult decisions, guiding me whether I knew it at the time or not. Because of his love, I was finally able to grow up, believe in myself, and stop being a coward - to him and to the world around me. I stood up to him, and that’s all he ever wanted - to believe in myself. I live now always owning what I do, no matter what it is. I stand behind myself 100%. And if I don’t believe in it, I don’t do it. I now have a new constant reminder - a gift from Rinpoche that I can also never remove or discard. I may not be special, or even remarkable in any way - but I am completely genuine. I am me all the way. I am a real warrior that carries his heart held high. I have Rinpoche to thank for that.
These photos are from the last day I ever saw him. I would give anything to have one more day with him. Sometimes all we can do it go with what we have been given. I am extremely honored to have participated in the new book from Rabsel Editions, written by Karma Trinlay Rinpoche, about Shamarpa’s life: Audacity & Tradition. They used a lot of my photos from the cremation, and it is a truly beautiful book. The first edition is now available in French, with English coming mid next year.
You can get it here: http://www.rabseleditions.fr/?product=audace-et-tradition
