Five Years of Freedom

Today marks five years since I made the choice to live, to break free from the heavy bonds and painful restraints of addiction, to come out of the endless darkness and to continue my life as a sober human being.

Five years is a long time, not in the grand scheme of life, but for a choice such as this, one that must be lived day by day, moment by moment, it has been quite a ride, an exorbitantly difficult one at times. It has however become an intensely devotional adventure that has borne more fruit and positive change than I could have ever imagined. The gift of life, something I used to take very loosely, is now a testament of possibility and pure joy. Not saying it’s easy, quite the opposite in fact, as I continue to struggle and push day after day — keeping my head above water, and my mind pointed in the right direction requires all my strength and conviction. But one thing has been with me since the beginning, pushing me further, giving me the strength to pick myself up when I think I can no longer do it on my own - the man behind many of my big decisions and the inspiration for this new life - Shamar Rinpoche.

Rinpoche was my rock, even when I wasn’t aware of it, he seemed to be moving mountains for me. Mountains in my mind, mountains of conflict and difficulties, even physical mountains as he urged me to leave the USA in search of a life worth living, and one that was based outside my own preconceived selfish reasonings and hopeless ideals. Rinpoche’s love and more than often overbearingly intense scolding is the reason I am alive today. I was in an endless spiral of self destruction, doubt, hopelessness and greed; a life without purpose or direction, and one that would have ended rather quickly thereafter had a major change not been forced upon me. Always in Rinpoche’s own way; forever kind, powerfully strong, his mere presence could pull me out of my mental tornado to clearly see what was in front of me. He could open my eyes and my mind, showing me the real choices that needed to be made, and then finally, to kindly give me a hard shove in the right direction. Always with his own brand of pure endless compassion and terrifying vajra fiery fury at the same time. He was both my guide and my guard. He was my protector, my harshest critic, and the defender of the always awakened mind. He showed me to walk the walk, to harness my own Warrior’s Presence, to raise my own Windhorse, to cry out to the world with a raw and wide open heart.

I miss Rinpoche dearly, each and every day. While he was rarely if ever in my physical presence, he was always such a huge part of my life, and though he has passed away I feel him now stronger than ever. On a day such as this, when I am just happy to be alive, this connection to him seems ever stronger, and while my heart feels like it may burst with joy, he can still bring me to tears when I think about him. Thank you Rinpoche, for believing in me, for starting the fire that continues to burn brightly regardless of how far away you seem to be. Today I am alive, my inner fire burning as bright as ever. Today I celebrate a life worth living, and five years of freedom from the bonds of addiction and self loathing. Today I am five years old, five years stronger, five years braver, five years more confident but raw, and five years further down the path toward the light and forever away from the dark.